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Too many a times
I've bent over to please others

Too many times
I have done things for others
and received nothing in return

Too many times
I have decided against my heart
Choosing instead other's wishes

Too many times
I have coward in the corner
afraid of doing something
should I hurt another

But never again

Never again

Never again will I live
With out living

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Thursday, May 28, 2015

I was watching Dexter (b-t-dubs its a should watch for those who often feel like a monster, its nice having a show that centers around us misfits)
but anyways a scene triggered a thought about dating

how we want our S.O. to be someone we are excited about and thrilled about in every little detail

which is fun don't get me wrong

but what happens when the thrill stops?
When the lull happens?

last time a relationship lulled I ended it

I havnt found a lull in a relationship where ive been excited about the guy

only when its been vice versa

I thought it was mutual with kevin
but there goes that

I havnt found that inbetween mutual spot

I havnt found me

or accepted me

can I accept me?

how can i accept me when no one else does?

I only learn by watching others examples.........

Posted at 11:03 pm by XXXCoyoteXXX
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Monday, May 25, 2015
its like you dont want to draw attention

but when people ask what is up you just want to reply 'oh nothing much just contemplating living an all'

you know

its hard to fake the smile for so long

but you have those moments
the laughing at the tv shows
but tjem the show is over
and youre forced back to reality

where you have debts to pay
and will never make enough
to live in my fantasy

i wish there was a magic button
that i could press everytime i feel bad

but if wishes were pennies id be rich

Posted at 01:57 am by XXXCoyoteXXX
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it takes effort to talk to people

i was thinking how fun itd be to hang out with friends and do a fake prom like on tbbt..... but then i realized the friends i have

or the lack of

and the ones i have
i cant seem to stand

too much effort

kevin didnt take effort

just effort when we weren't together

either because i jnew already
or my mind was just too crazy

i hate that

that the ones i find that i can stand cant stand me.......

and thats what im mad about

that life wont ever let me be happy

dangling a piece of candy and letting me taste the sweet nectar then yanking it out from my hands

now ive tasted it and yearn for it

but can never have it

Posted at 12:24 am by XXXCoyoteXXX
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Wednesday, May 13, 2015
I bring nothing to a relationship

Im not pretty
Im not thin
Im not strong
Im not smart
Im barely passionate
Im not talented
Im not motivated

I bring nothing to a relationship

I cant bring myself to even talk to people online
im too sensitive to what they might think about me

because im just worthless

its hopeless

Im hopeless

Posted at 11:17 pm by XXXCoyoteXXX
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Who do I whine to?

I just need to go see a therapist
the first one that will take me

who do I whine to that i feel as depressed as I am?
who do I tell that I hate feeling like I have to fight myself everyday
to get out of bed

who do I tell that Ive given up on improving how I look
because no one cares anyways

no matter what I do
no matter how "fit" I get
no one cares

I always wonder about the road not traveled
but I always know Id make the same mistakes over and over again

why am I regretting my life more and more
who do I ask if its appropriate to talk to him again?
whose advice do I trust any more?

I just need a friend

sandra? I cant stand hearing about her new boyfriend
and we already determined that she cares for me differently than Ive cared for her

Abby? shes given up and is no help to me either

Ive finally signed up for a lesson for horse back riding
maybe thatll help.....

maybe i just need to call myself.... idk.... ugh

why is finding help for anxiety and depression so hard? why dont doctors actually want to help any more?

I just need a friend to go to the beach with.....

I need to go to the beach....

I need to fill the void....

Im over him, I just wish we could be friends again

Posted at 11:01 pm by XXXCoyoteXXX
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Friday, May 01, 2015
im falling apart at the seems

im hitting my one year mark
the fatigue is setting in
more and more i just want out
out of this drivil life
depression seeps in at the core

i get it now
i remember
i need a trip.....

i wish i could have him back
just for netflix and cuddling,
or even to visit the beach again
maybe i can steal henry
maybe i could reach out and try....

if he cant want than he cant get
its the way life works
its an old lesson he'll have to learn

its a lesson i learned
and slowly
my wants
are dying
the want for more
the want for a horse
the want to be social
the want to do tihngs with my animals
the want to live.......

its all slowly dying......

Posted at 08:55 pm by XXXCoyoteXXX
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Thursday, April 30, 2015
always split in two

half of me wants a relationship
the other half despises the fact

hallf of me wants to sleep around
the other half want to stay home be safe

half of me wants go out and party
half of me wants him back again

half of me knows who he is and wants no part
half o fme just wants that feeling back
no matter who it is

i feel like i have nothing to offer
like im not worthy enough for a relationship
what do i bring to a relationship?
i dont know my worth anymore

fat ugly
yet called sexy at times
i dont trust thir judgment
i dont trust anyone any more

i just cant anymore
no one is left
no one.....

Posted at 12:47 am by XXXCoyoteXXX
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Thursday, February 26, 2015
I think I'll be ok

I didn't give him much
and I lived with no regrets

I'm slowly coming to terms with this

I'm adding an amendment to my commandments

6 months
I have to wait six months before telling them I love them

because I know I fall for them the moment I know

Im reading this book
and in it
it has this online interactions of these friends and a couple (of course) who fall in love online and it talks about how 'they already know my most intiment detail' so theyre bffs and all that

I dont think im privy to that kind of relationship
if any at all

my communication and relations are always in a nonverbal way
weather physical or non verbal
I interact with the world in a silent way

yes I talk and share secrets
but when it comes down to it if you stick around till im drunk garment will tell you almost anything you want to know

but I wont communicate with you in my nonverbal way unless theres that connection

and I've had that connection
that feeling


so I know it
I know it in my inner being

I wont be able to fool myself again

so I wont settle

its that feeling or nothing

if he does come back I know I'll take him back

yes stipulations will be lain down
and i will be laying out that this is it,
as in if you want me to be exclusive with you its because you basically want to spend the rest of your life with me
otherwise we stay non exclusive and I continue in my life
on my own, with my own plans

malleable plans
but plans none the less

Posted at 06:19 pm by XXXCoyoteXXX
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Tuesday, February 24, 2015
split in two

half of me wants him to come back in 6 months

half of me thinks if I wasn't enough now I wont be enough then....

or ever....

I slowly feel myself coming around

becoming independent again

it takes awhile for my dependence on a drug like that to wear off

and damn was he intoxicating

Posted at 07:37 am by XXXCoyoteXXX
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Monday, February 23, 2015
Time to start flooding the internet again

Cause this seems to be my only outlet

thanks internet

I can't bring myself to be that girl to my friends
that girl that hwines about her break up even though im sure they see it

they don't know im taking pills
and other things

still trying to be responsible about it

but he was my drug

he was the thing that silenced the world around me

and I let myself fall further than I did with troy
because I thought he was acutally a good guy

I thought I could trust him

I thought he was able to be an adult

how foolish of me

to think that a good guy actually exists

well he's still a good guy

he just doesnt know himself like i know myself

I know what I need
and how i need it

he doesn't even recognize his wants

he had no drive

but those that do have too much
too much ego

switching to just girls this late in the game? Sure let me be an embarrassment

he had a silence

a silence the drugs barely give me
and only for so fleeting

I stressed myself out about loosing him

cause I knew I'd loose it
and I am
how soon till I slip up?
How soon till I go just alittle too far

random hookup saturday
that hookups profile deleted afterwords...

am I that bad of a lay?

doubts consuming me

those who want me I wont even keep their time let alone their company

those two I found..... both I wasn't enough for

what does one do?
I know eventually the pain dulls....
and I'll settle back into my rhythmic anger at life rhythm

but when I was with him

the world was still
our world was still
my world was still

and now?

a bottle of wine only lasts me 4 hours.....
and it all rushes back again....

Posted at 01:01 am by XXXCoyoteXXX
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